Depression

Depression sucks ass! I have dealt with depression since I was 14. A couple of weeks ago we have decided to have another baby and I don't want to be on my medication while I'm pregnant. Well that has not been going so well. So starting the medication back up until I hear from my mid-wife about what I should do. Maybe I will get lucky and the one that I'm taking now is safe to take during pregnancy, if not then I will change to one that is safe and try through out the whole pregnancy to wean off of it.
As for right now it's just not an option. I'm so short with the kids again, sleeping way more, not wanting to do anything, or go anywhere. These are all very bad things. I have caught myself sooner then before. When we first moved I was getting up at 7-7:30am everyday, and that felt great to get up early have a little time to myself before the kids woke up. Now I find myself sleeping in as late at 10am some mornings. (most of the time the kids are still sleeping, or over at the grandparents house). I hate sleeping the day away. I hate the way that I'm feeling right now. So this must stop and must stop now!
So I'm taking my depression back until my control. I will not let it run my life anymore like it has for the last few weeks. Slowly creeping back up and trying to take control. Not anymore, I'm back and I'm in control. This is my life and I'm going to live it my way.
I know that with a lot of prayer, hard work, the right combination of medications, and support from my wonderful family I will win this battle once again.

Rest In Peace

To day I found out that a very good friend of mine passed away from a freak accident at his house. He was mowing his property when he got to close to the edge and rolling the very large ridding mower onto himself. He was a good man in many ways. Yes he had his faults but who doesn't. This man allowed Pat and I to get married at his house, never asked us for anything in return. Groomed his property and got everything ready for our special day.
He used to haul my horse along with his daughters for 4-H and OHSET meets and practices. He always let us ride the horse's on his property, and let my son ride his quad up there as well. I really can't remember not seeing a smile on his face.
It was only about two months ago that he went and picked up our 5th wheel for us. He would not even let us give him money for diesel, just asked that Pat do some welding for him in exchange.
Please keep his family in your thoughts and prayers. His daughter is having a very hard time with all of this right now, seeing as she is the one that found him. I'm sure he is at peace now, ridding the biggest tractor he can dream up. I'm sure he has fields of mowing and tree's to climb that need trimming. The man never could sit still for more than five minuets it seemed.
Richard you were a good friend, father, husband, and brother. You will be missed.

Pack it up, move em out

So this weekend we are going to take the trailer camping for the first time. I know it's like camping every day by living in it, but actually going camping is going to be so much better (I hope). We are going to load up the toys and head to the dunes for this weekend and next weekend. This weekend we are hopping to not take the kids and just have an adult camping trip and make next weekend a kid camping trip. But if we end up taking them this weekend then it will be just as fun anyways.
This will probably be the last time for a while that I can ride my quad, since your not suppose to ride when your pregnant. But I think I'm going to look into that a little more. Maybe it's okay to ride until you are farther along so we will see.

Living large while living small

So as most know we are living in a 5th wheel right now. But most probably don't know that we are living in a 5th wheel with two small kids (2 and 3), two dogs, one Lab and one Pug. Also my youngest child has no interest in potty training what so ever, so she is still in cloth diapers. Yes I said cloth diapers, and yes I'm living in a 5th wheel. It's not easy but we make do.
This last weekend I was able to bring with me my sewing machine and set it up and do some sewing tonight. I bought most of my hair ribbon stuff with me as well. So might be able to start making hair bows, and woven headbands as well. These are all things that help me de-stress at the end of the day. It was nice this evening after making dinner, grocery shopping, un-packing what we brought home this weekend, and dinner dishes, to sit down and just do something that I really enjoy.
Don't get me wrong I love taking care of my family, but sometimes I just want to do something for just me, as I'm sure most moms understand :)

Think smaller this time around

So with plans for a new baby to come on board our 5th wheel, I have to rethink everything as far as baby items go. Everything needs to be smaller, more compact, or easily folded to be put away when not in use. For example; baby tub, my last one folded up pretty small, yet after thinking about it, it did not fold up small enough for the trailer. So this time I have found a sponge type of bath bed thing that will work perfect for the baby. This one has a loop on the top to hang it up let it drip dry then I can stuff it in the cabinet until the next bath. Plus it's washing machine safe so I can toss it in and disinfect it just like that. The next thing that I found was a small compact swing that all so turns into a bouncy seat. Two in one, plus it's small, double bounce if you ask me.
The baby will be sleeping in a Moses Basket for the first few months, or until they can't fit anymore. Probably will make a small stand next to the bed for the basket, don't worry it would be right smack up against a wall and the bed, no where for the basket and baby to roll over :)
So so far those are the things that I can come up with. I know that I'm not even pregnant yet but I want to enjoy this one all the way to the end, since it will be my last pregnancy and baby for sure.
Plus I'm sure pregnancy will happen sooner then with the last two since I have already been off of birth-control for almost 7 months. No was not trying for the last 7 months just sick of all the hormones from birth-control. But after this baby is born Pat is going in for the big V!

4+1=5

So Pat and I have been talking for a while now about having one more child. We have finally agreed that one more would be great for our little family. With this one we are not going to find out what we are having. So I have been on the hunt for the perfect coming home outfit in a nice light sage green color. Yes some will think that I'm jumping the gun since I wont even know if I'm pregnant for another week and a half, but those of you that do know me, know that I can change my mind over and over and over.
My Mother-In-Law bought me a Moses Basket yesterday at a wonderful resale shop in Salem Once Upon A Child. I'm sure most of you know that when you find a killer deal in a resale shop you have to jump on it. Because the next time you go there it will probably be gone. So now I'm trying to decide what color I want to do the basket in. The bedding that came with it is just fine, but it's white, boring if you ask me. So I want to look around and see what fabric I can find and try and make a new set for it. With help from my Mother-In-Law of course lol, if I want it to turn out :)
So I will try and take some good pictures of the before,during, and after, but since my camera is broken and apparently so are all my memory cards we shall see what I can get out of it :(

This feeling shall too pass

I feel like the worse friend in the whole wide world. My best friend loaned us some money and yes we have already paid back half of the loan. I keep telling this friend that I should be able to give them money on pay day, and like clock work every week something comes up that prevents us from payment to this friend.
I know my friend understands they tell me it's okay and that they understand that life happens. But I still just feel like dirt. This friend knows that I'm not pulling there leg and just making things up, but still I feel bad.

On another note, I found out yesterday that my aunt had a heart attack on Monday of this last week. She ended up having a triple by-pass done. If you read the last sentence carefully you will noticed that I found this out yesterday! This makes me a little angry to say the least. This is my family yet my uncle does not feel the need to contact us when things like this happen. When my mom had her first heart attack, her brother and her were not on very good terms. Yet I still made sure to call them right away when it happened. She had not even been in the hospital for a whole day when I got a hold of them. His reasoning's for not telling my mom was he felt that she had to much on her plate right now and did not want to add to it. Who the hell does he think he is, it's not his place to decide if she has to much on her plate or not! Even so if he felt that way, why could he not pick up the phone and call me and inform me of what is going on.

Today this is what I pray
Dear Lord,
Please watch over my aunt and family during this time. Thank you for watching her this far during her life. Place your hand on her family and comfort them during this time. Please help my heart and the way that I feel right now about how they have acted during this time. Please help guild me to raise my kids the way you want me to raise them. Please help me to not going insane with my kids :)
Amen

Trying to change my ways

Since we have moved I have been trying very hard to not yell at the kids any more. Well I'm not perfect and I blew up at the kids this morning when they woke up when Pat was getting ready for work. I feel awful about it, yes it was 2:30am and I myself was not really awake, but that does not make it right.
I have to pray even more and harder for help from God for this little problem. I don't want to be like my mom, who yells all the time, I want to change my ways. I don't want this pattern to continue on with me and my kids. I'm sure if you were to ask my mom she would say that she does not yell all the time, and she is right, she does not yell 24/7 but it's very hard to have a conversation with her and not have her yell at some point during that conversation.
I see the way she is with her mom, my grandma is getting up there in her years and is a stubborn old woman, and I don't want to be that way with my kids. I have an okay relationship with my mom, could it be better, yes. Will it ever be better, time will only tell. I do know that in the past every time we/I have moved out we have gotten along a lot better.
We are too much alike in so many ways, so that is why we butt heads so hard most of the time. There are times I wish my mom was more like Pats mom. She is so passive, but wont let people walk all over her. I have never heard her yell at anyone, ever. Pat said he can pretty much only recall one time hearing his mom yell. I wish I could say the same.
I know I'm not perfect and I don't try to be, yet I know I can work even harder at not yelling. I can't stand to be yelled at, I just shut down and tone out who ever is yelling at me. I have lived with it my whole life, it's almost a defensive reaction for me I guess. I don't want my kids to end up like that as well.
So today this I pray
Dear Lord,
Help give me strength to not yell at my little ones. Help me in my ways with my family. Help me to trust in you Lord. Help guild me in the way that You want me to bring my children up in Your ways Lord. Put Your hand on my heart Lord, help me hear Your words.
Amen